mEntal SEX
by kittypon
Summary: Miyavi is not mental... It's just, stress... At least, thats what he keeps telling himself. //Miyavi *SOLO* The GazettE// ::MiyavixKai/KaixReita more?::
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**mEntal SEX**  
chapt: 1/? **Preppy Gothic Spitters  
**Auther:**kittypon**  
gener: **drama?**  
characters:** MiyavixKai ReitaxKai maybe more...**  
disclaimer: **dont own Miyavi, or The GazettE**  
warnings: **mental talk, depression**  
rating: **pg13-ish**  
summary: **Kai is worried for Miyavi. Somethings wrong. It would seem Miyavi has finally gone crazy. Can Kai help him? Or will he only end up making things worse? Can stress really do this to a person?**  
syn: **"…. I just think, your going through something at the moment Miyavi…"  
**comments:** i kittypon, have finally figured out how to post my own fic!!!! yesh, kk then, ANYWAY! i have been wanting to write something like this for a long, long time now. please give it a chance.

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It's raining today...

I like it when it rains.

Things seem, much calmer. Ya know?

I like stepping into the puddles and walking under the rain feeling it splash against my face while I close my eyes and spin around.

Slowly.

Slowly.

I rarely get to walk out into town. And when I do it's for business. So, I try to enjoy it. Walking around and looking at the people. It's started to catch up to me... Staying in the house all the time.

I used to never want to leave. It was my safe heaven... Away from them...

... It started with spit.

When she spit at my face... I remember. So clearly.

_I stood there, holding my face trying to wipe the spit out my eyes._

_The girl who spit at my face and sneered. "Get away from us you emo freak!"_

_Emo...?_

_"Didn't you hear me? Get, LOST!"_

_Why would they call me that? What did I do? I did nothing, nothing wrong to them... I was just passing by, wha--_

_"HEY! Can you not hear me!?"_

_"Whoa, Tammy, it's cool. He's not bothering us." One of the prep boys lightly touched the girls shoulder. She snatched away before glaring to me and walking away, the group following after her laughing._

_I watched and glared._

_I hated her._

_I hated that bitch._

_She always did such mean things to me yet I dont know why..._

_She and her friends would kick dirt at me, or throw my things over the school gate. They would dump my things to the floor. Or just push it off my desk and kick it out side while every one left._

_She was the one, who made my high school years hell..._

_The first time I go to a public school. I was so pumped. I remember... I remember the first day I was there, the cursing. So much cursing coming from kids my age and younger. I couldn't believe it._

_It was the first day of my public school and high school that she walked up to me all happy and smiling. She wanted to show me around when I told her I was new._

_We laughed, and talked and not 3 hours of us getting to know each other. She gets into a fight... No, an argument really._

_I learned a long time ago... People in this part of town, are too afraid to raise their fist to one another._

_It's all just words._

_Words that sting and leave you more sore on the inside than any hit to the stomach._

_She was arguing empty threats and so was the girl in front of her. Tammy, I learned her name, finally turned and left._

_I was quick to follow her afraid of what the other girl might do to me and slightly shaken at all the cursing there was. I quickly followed her to the bathroom where she started to cry, afraid that the other girl would want to fight her._

_I was surprised._

_The way how Tammy acted like she could beat anyone who got in her way. I soon found out that day it was all just talk._

_A load of bull._

_I also learned on that day not to trust people._

_Tammy, looked to me with teary eyes then asked me something I will never forget._

_She wanted me to fight her fight._

_I looked to her for a long minute before laughing. I told her that that other girl, who I found out name was Allana. Didn't seem like she wanted anything with her._

_And there started the back and forth runners game. I was the messenger running from Tammy to Allana. I told Allana about Tammy in the bathroom._

_She was very rude to me and told me she didn't care about that bitch. She then told me not to trust Tammy. To stay away from her if I knew what was good for me._

_I didn't want to hurt Tammy's feelings so I ignored Allana and continued to go with Tammy._

_God I wish I had listened._

_I think, It was about 3 weeks into the school year when Tammy suddenly announced that we were best friends._

_She asked me if I agreed and I hesitated._

_I had remembered my dad telling me how he had no friends. He was too busy and at his age he could care less. He tole me all his friends from high school were really aquaintances and once high school was over you will forget them and move on with your life..._

_God, how much he was wrong..._

_So, I told her we were aquaintances. And that is when everything turned to hell._

_She glared at me talking about not being good enough then started on her long arguments she usually has against girls who dont like her..._

_Witch I found out was about most of the school..._

_She then screamed. "Fine, we are not friends, and never will be friends. I hate you, you fucking bitch!"_

_And then she turned and slammed the locker room doors to the girls._

_At first her words stung. No one had ever called me such a mean thing before. But then, I got over it and thought how much she was over reacting._

_God, I just wish... Something like this didn't happen._

_Well, she started making my life hell. She would take any friends I tried making throughout the year and somehow turned them against me._

_People didn't want to have anything to do with me because I used to be Tammy's friend. She was a lying scank and the whole school agreed so too._

_Yet I didn't learn these things till it was too late. I had no friends, and started working in the lunch room so that I didn't have to sit alone anymore._

_I became the lunch ladies favorite._

_So my first year of high school, no friends, alone, and, my grades were failing..._

_The second year was just worse. That was the year where the people in the school started to gang up on me. They started to pick on me. Evil things..._

_I became depressed._

_I didn't want to do things anymore._

_The things they did to me..._

_The things they said to me..._

_I had noticed a group of people from last year and took up the courage to talk to them... At first, they didn't want anything to do with me... They would avoid me and try butting me out._

_Everyone did._

_But they didn't seem to care that I stayed. So I tried._

_But it became too painful._

_Too painful to be sitting in the group, and not being able to talk since they wouldn't listen... I didn't know the people they were talking about. And, it was hard to talk when people obviously didn't want you there..._

_By then, I had stopped using my voice completely. There was no need to talk._

_No one to talk to._

_People would harass me into getting them free lunch since I was working in the lunch room again. So I tried stopping and got used to going to class hungry._

_My parents, weren't the richest. And, they had started arguing... I felt stuck..._

_Both of my worlds were hell. And there was no way I could avoid them. Waking up was getting harder and harder to do..._

_I would go to school and get harassed. Then home to my parents who would argue and my controlling mother..._

_There was no safe place to go except my room with my computer. So every free time I would go on the computer and chat. Or play games, or read. I stopped watching tv._

_I stopped talking to my parents._

_I would be semi happy in my quiet room._

_My parents wanted me out. But I didn't. I went to my room to get away from them._

_At school, I met this guy. He was usually in the group, but he would never talk to me._

_Until one day._

_He came up to me and asked my why I always looked so sad. I blinked up to him confused on why he was talking to me. "... Why are you talking to me?" I asked softly my voice not used to talking anymore._

_He smiled. "You were looking kind of sad there..."_

_He sat next to me and for the first time in a long time._

_I smiled._

_He was very nice to me… He would talk to me, and smile to me. And I was so happy that someone was finally talking to me._

_But then I noticed something._

_While, yes, he would talk to me. He would also treat me differently from his other friends. Like, he would talk to me, then get easily distracted and talk to his friends._

_I noticed._

_And, after awhile I wasn't so happy any more._

_I noticed that, after awhile he seemed to forget about me. He wouldn't talk to me as much, he would stop saying hello to me._

_And then I found out why._

_It was the girls._

_They were always all over him, and this made me mad. I don't know why it made me mad. But it did. I would see him walking and a big group of girls would be following him. He would be laughing and smiling…_

_Then pass by me._

_Without even looking._

_Without hearing my hello over the loud chattering of girls._

_And that was when I found out it was jealousy I was feeling. And the reason why I was feeling jealous was because._

_I really did like him._

_I liked Anthony._

_More than just a friend._

_Now I was confused and scared, but I continued on as if nothing was wrong. I wanted to get closer to Anthony, so I started trying getting closer to the crowd._

_As soon as I walked two steps past my usual 3ft from the crowd they all gave me evil glares. But I continued to try to push my way in._

_Even though the glares and obvious ignoring stung my heart every time. I still tried. I still wanted to get closer to Anthony. To get the chance to tell him how I truly felt for him. I started listening, I started watching closely to what the goth crowd said. I learned and soon would be able to stand in with them without getting too many evil glares._

_I was happy. It took a few months but I was worth it. No one still talked to me. And Anthony was just getting farther and farther away._

_I was quite happy to find out one day that Anthony was bi. That meant that I had a chance! I could get him to like me! I was so happy to hear those words come from his mouth._

_But, then I looked down to myself._

_Then to the pretty popular girls that would follow him around._

_Then back to myself and wanted to cry._

_Those girls were so pretty… More pretty than me of course. They were as skinny as poles, with long hair and wore makeup all the time who wore name branded clothes and held purses..._

_I had no chance against them. Especially since they hang out with him pretty much every second._

_This made me cry even harder. It didn't help when I one day walked into the bathroom and saw how much I was slouching. I had remembered doing this fun class about teaching kids and how to take care of money that was my mom's idea to get me out the house. I remember playing a game._

_It was the teacher's idea._

_We were supposed to find something about ourselves that we didn't like and tell them to our partner. I remember the girl I was with, told me that she didn't like her hair. It was too poofy._

_I then told her, that I slouch._

_The teacher walked up to us and asked what our thing was. The girl told her about her hair. The teacher frowned telling her that that was nothing. That hair was hair, that she had to have something real and big…_

_I honestly didn't think my slouching was so bad. Yeah, my mom would nag me about it…_

_But when I told the teacher. She started going. "Good, yes, now that is something. Slouching is something connected to having low self confidence, you don't hold yourself high. Depression…"_

_I blinked to her. She was hitting me right on the spot. Everything that she said screamed ME, ME, ME._

_I was silent for the rest of the class…_

_So, when I walked into the bathroom and saw my reflection I gasped._

_I was so hunched over._

_I had never caught myself slouching before! This was the first time I had ever seen myself slouch!_

_It was so bad!_

_I looked as if I was an old man carrying bricks with arthritis in his spine!_

_I quickly straightened up wincing at the pain in my back and shoulders and blinked in amazement._

_That was really me._

_Slouching._

_But, that wasn't a slouch. That was a full out bend down and touch your toes. Now I really wanted to cry._

_Who would like someone like me?_

_And now once I looked, I was kind of chubby too. There was flabby skin around my stomach. I guess I had noticed it before. But I really didn't care. But now, for some reason it was really bothering me. Why I don't know. But it was._

_I was embarraced about my body now. I only had a few clothes since my parents won't go shopping for me. She's too selfish._

_But when I got home, I started to stretch out all my shirts and would tighten my belt on my pants._

_I dropped all thoughts of telling Anthony anything._

_I just watched him from a distance now. I dropped from the goth crowd and started hanging by myself again._

_Time passed. More rumors spread by Tammy of me. One that really got to people was when she said I was related to the great jrock god Gackt. Just because she saw me with a picture of my uncle getting a CD sighned by him._

_People really didn't like that._

_They just shunned me even more._

_Another one, towards the end of my second year. Was that me and Tammy were going to fight. By now, I was learning how to speak up when people would try to hurt me. I would tell them to go away. Or I would say hello. I had to learn quickly how to fight back, and curse out the other. I learned from just watching… But it was not enough._

_I started skipping my classes to avoid people. I would hide to avoid people. I stopped caring for my work. I didn't care anymore. I was taking depression medicine. And going to therapy…_

_Well, actually by now my mom had stopped taking me. It seems her and my therapist were talking behind my back. That the therapist I was being too hard. Too much denial. That I didn't need to go to therapy any more._

_But you see, she never asked me._

_She never asked. "Miyavi, I honestly don't think you need therapy any more… Would you like to quit soon?"_

_Even though I would say I didn't need therapy. I really liked going. Someone was talking to me, yet I knew once they got home they would forget about me and worry about their own life. But, at least someone was talking to me. I could stay sane…_

_But they didn't ask._

_And I didn't stay sane it seems. I made friends, in my head. There was Toby, Dante, Daina, and Tracy…_

_It was just us… I would talk out loud to them, or talk silently in my head. They would make me laugh, or make me think._

_Well, soon my parents found out about me skipping. They decided on something that would change my life forever. They decided to put me in military school._

_This I didn't like._

_But thats another story, for another time..._

_By now, the harassing was very bad. Teachers wouldn't do anything. I stopped going to my classes. I had F's in almost every class. No A's, no B's, not even any C's… Just F's and D's. I have given up on Anthony, and felt numb to the world. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It didn't matter to me. I had started to forget about my only friends in my mind._

_I was alone again._

_I didn't want to go to military school. I wasn't a bad kid. Just alone. I was antisocial… I don't know._

_But now you know._

_Now you know, at least something… My past I try to forget, just like my dad said. You will forget about your past, forget about the people and move on. But I havn't forgotten about them. I still remember them, what they did to me. How I felt._

_All these years._

_I still remember them._

_And then she spit at me. She spit at me._

_And I snapped._

I walk slowly down the street my arms out like airplane wings and I make the engine sound with my mouth as I step into the puddles.

Splish

Splash

Splish

Splash.

This is me now. Oh boy, oh boy…. So much you've grown. You made it to 18. What do you have to say to that?

I stop. "… I am not retarded…"

….. So you say, but the one who is retarded. How would they know?

I frown. "… I am not, retarded…. Just, I don't know…."

Splish

Splash

Splish

Splash.

There are too many people in the world. Too many brains, too many minds, too much, it's too much. What was any god thinking when he allowed such a thing as birth from the ass of a bitch? It shouldn't be. There are too many people.

"And it's just 2008."

Can you believe it? We kill the ozone every day. We cut the trees every day, we sink the Atlantic everyday.

'Thank you.' Is what the world is saying to us. 'And damn you all.'

"To hell we'll all go. No mercy, no mercy."

Splish

Splash

Step

Step

Step.

Down the cold stairs to the train we go…

"I don't remember needing to go down here… Ah! Look! Over there, it's one of those spinning doors!" I feel the people stare at me but ignore it as I run to the doors and start spinning them around. I don't care about the people frowning on the other side wanting to come in.

I stopped caring long ago…

I suddenly feel the doors stop and is confused yet too dizzy to be angry. Something grabs the back of my rain coat and I am pulled away.

Wazzat?

"I don't know…" I giggle feeling the earth spin and twist and before I know it my face is being shoved down a trash can as I get sick.

Do not fear, nothing is here!

"Ugh, that wasn't very fun…"

Before I know it I'm getting pulled again by who I don't know and I am getting shoved through the train gates. A train pulls up, I don't get to see where it's going and is shoved inside. I am starting to get tired of the shoving and pull away walking to a seat and sitting down right next to the window.

… It's so cold, but so nice at the same time. I love the rain. Things just seem. Different. It's very nice.

I frown and glare at a girl who passes by. I look to her knees seeing how they go in. Then her waist as that goes in too. Her body and arms are small, and she wears tight genes.

"Bitch…" I mumble under my breath as she walks away. I already don't like her. I could tell that she would be a mean snotty person. She may look innocent, with her, makeup and tight genes and little top with boots that go to her calves. But I know, she really is a mean and evil person. She looks just like those girls at high school.

I say this to every pretty girl who passes by. I see their little hourglass waist and lanky knees and tight genes and makeup. And I already don't like them. I already know. There stupid, spoiled, rude, slu—

"Miyavi… Hey, Miyavi."

I blinked and look over to the person next to me. "… Kai? When did you get here?"

Kai looked to me. "Miyavi, you have been following me all this time." He pulled out a hanky from his coat and started to wipe the vomit from the corners of my mouth. "Are you ok? I have been trying to talk to you for the past hour and you have just been walking in your own little world." He said worridly.

I just blink to him. "… Where are we going?" Kai looked to me strange for a long minute before sighing. "We are going to that recording building Miyavi… Don't you remember?"

I frowned. "No, and stop calling me that." Kai ran a hand through his hair. "But that's your name Miyavi…"

"No, I'm not. Miyavi is a cool singer guy. I'm just. Just ugly fat guy…. " Kai sighed again and leaned back into his chair as the train started to move. I clapped excitedly. "Look, look! Were moving!" I said loudly. Some people glared to me while other just glance over.

I noticed Kai staring at me from the corner of my eye but ignored it as I watched the scenery pass by. I was bouncing when a sudden wave of depression washed over me and I immediately calmed down. "… Kai?" Kai opened one of his eyes having closed them awhile ago. "Hmm?"

I continued to stare down at the tracks of the train. "… Do you think, I'm retarded?"

Kai straitened up and looked to me. "…. I just think, your going through something at the moment Miyavi…"

I pursed my lips and gripped at the window. "… You didn't answer my question." Kai sighed and suddenly I was being pulled back and laid against Kai's chest as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head. "No Miyavi, your not retarded."

"Then whats wrong with me Kai?" I asked softly as I looked out the window to the gray sky as rain drops continued to fall. Kai held me tighter. "…. Your, just going through something right now. Something in your head, that even you are having trouble figuring out." He kissed the top of my head again as tears welled up in my eyes then rolled down my face. "Miyavi, whats wrong?"

I sniffed. "Kai, I havn't been very honest with you lately." Kai was silent. "… What do you mean Miyavi?" I swallowed. "I havn't been taking my pills." Kai sighed and just kissed my head again this time not pulling away and just resting there. "… That's why your feeling so depressed at the moment Miyavi." He said gently before his hand slid down to my own and squeezed it.

"Is there any thing els you want to tell me?" I shook my head no but Kai saw right through my lie. "… You, aren't cutting are you?" He asked moving yellow rain coat sleeves down to expose my clean wrist. "You, aren't smoking too much are you?" I shook my head no while he dug in my coat pockets for my pack of cigs.

He counted them then nodded giving them back to me. "… You've been eating right?" He asked. I shook my head yes while he moved his hands down to unzip my raincoat to gently rub my stomach then making me purr gently before he pressed making me squirm.

"Ouch!"

Kai sighed. "Miyavi, you lied. You havn't been eating." I flicked the cig box open and closed. "… I'm too fat any way." I mumbled. "Miyavi! Don't say that! Your starving yourself again! Don't make me tell Reita." My eyes went wide and I quickly sat up. "NO! Please don't tell, please Kai please."

Kai looked to me for a long minute before sighing. "Fine, but when we get off the train I'm buying you something to eat. When was the last time you ate?" I bit my lip wring trying to remember. "… Tuesday." Kai frowned. "Yeah, it's Thursday now." He sighed. "Miyavi, you cant keep doing this to yourself… Your hurting yourself."

I just looked to him before sadly looking down to my yellow rain coat. Why am I wearing this? Only retarded people wear bright colors like this. I'm only making things worse. People will so think I'm a retard!

I sniffed feeling as tears fell down my cheek then warmth as Kai pulled me back into his chest. "Miyavi, it's ok… It's fine." He pulled my face up then gave me a peck on the lips. "I love you. You know that right?" I nodded then laid my head on his chest while he held me. "Yes, I know…"

But I don't know why…

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hmmmmmmmm, give lots of comments please! tell me what your thinking! dont be shy! 


	2. Chapter 2

**chapt:** 2/?

**pairings:** KaixMiyavi KaixReita

**syn: **"I vote for Donald Duck as well."

**comments:** well, no one is reading this really... Well, actually maybe they are, they are just too shy to reply. so i guess this is for you stringbean and candyholic umm, yeah, there was something els i wanted to say. yet i dont remember... so, enjoy stringy, and candy!

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Run Sonic! Run!

No! Not that way!

This way!

Get that! GET THAT!

YES!

HA! HA!

NO! GET IT BACK GET IT BACK!

What ARE YOU DOING SONIC!?

GO BACK!

Alright...

Ohhh, that had to hurt!

AH! Get it Sonic! Get the stupid ring!

NO! JUMP, JUMP!

"FUCK!"

I threw the PSP to the other side of the couch then leaned back and blinked feeling my eyes burn. Why he couldn't jump up to the stupid cloud! Why was Sonic so retarded!?

Wait.

"Miyavi, whats wrong now?" Kai asked as he put a stack of magazines down onto the glass coffee table infront of me and put his hands onto his hips.

I just wiped at my eye and shook my head. "Nothing." As if I would tell Kai anything about me loosing to a stupid Sonic game. It's dumb anyway, who cares for blue pincushions that could talk...

Kai sighed before putting a few things up on the coffee table then taking the trash off before sticking his drumsticks into his pocket and sat down next tome. "Tell me."

I slowly shook my head again.

Kai sighed bringing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me towards him so my head was laying onto his shoulder. "... Miyavi, everythings going to be fine. Ok?"

I just nodded not really agreeing. Why does he think things will be normal? Nothings normal. Not anymore at least. And they never will be normal again...

Kai was silent for a minute before reaching over and pulling up a white box. I quickly pulled away from him and started to get up but he grabbed at my pants. "No Miyavi. Sit back down."

"My names not Miyavi!" How many times do I have to tell him? I'm retarded! Miyavi's not retarded.

Kai frowned and just yanked me back into the couch as he opened the box to show some rice with curry. I frowned.

"No Miyavi." Kai said slowly pulling out a fork then scooting the box infront of me. "I want you to eat this... As much as you can."

I didn;t move to touch the box. I just sat there glaring at it. Kai sighed. "For me then?" I didn't answer. "... Please Miyavi."

"I'm not Miyavi." I didn't even jump when Kai stood up suddenly. "The what should I call you!? Dammit Miyavi stop being so hard and just eat!"

"I'm not Miyavi!" I yelled back. "And dont yell at me!"

Kai grabbed at my shoulders. "MIYAVI! Stop doing this! Stop acting like such a child and eat something for fucks sake!"

"NO!"

Kai backed away tripping over the glass table and fell onto his bum making me laugh. He looked to me, hurt in his eyes and slight embarracment as he just sat there before looking down to his lap, his bangs covering his eyes. "... Please, Miyavi, just eat something..."

I stopped laughing and frowned. "NO! And STOP CALLING ME MIYAVI!"

There was a sudden click as the front door opened and closed. "Hey, whats going on in here?"

I glared and sunk back into the couch and crossed my arms as Kai quickly stood up and ran to the person who walked through the door. I couldn't hear much but I could see everything.

"... Kai, whats wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Reita... Please, can you..."

I frowned when they started talking in whispers then looked away when Kai threw his arms around Reita's neck and they kissed deeply.

Stupid Reita...

After a long, long, long minute of kissing Reita finally pulled away and started walking into the big room with me sitting on the couch next to the window that looked down to the city.

He smiled sweetly to me before kneeling infront of me. "Hi, Miyavi." He said slowly making me cringe.

I hate it when they talk to me like some baby...

"Get away from me fucker... And my names not Miyavi." I said not looking to him making Kai gasp. "MIYAVI!"

"No, it's ok Kai." Reita said gently then looked back to me. "You've picked up a pretty nasty word there. Where did you hear it?"

I kept silent still not looking to him.

"You got it from Ruki hu?" I just frowned making Reita sigh and look to the box of food and picking it up. "Here, let me help you with this."

"I dont want it."

"Your going to eat it." The sudden change in Reita's voice made me hold my arms tighter to my chest and sink farther into the couch. "Miyavi, you need to eat."

"No."

Reita raised an eyebrow. "... No?"

"No... No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO NO, NONONONONONONON, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Dont you get it? I dont fucking want it. Why cant you see that? Why must you keep doing this to me?

"Miyavi!" Kai scolded then stopped when Reita held up his hand to stop him. He put the food down and slowly stood up, frowning. "Your going to eat Miyavi, you have no say."

And with that he grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. "NOOOOOOOOO! LET GO OF ME! I DONT WANT IT!!!"

Kai quickly stood back looking nervous. "R, Reita... I dont think you should force him..."

"Sometimes you need force Kai." Reita grunted as he pinned my arms down and held me tight to his body. "Your too kind Kai. You let him think he can get away with things, thats why he doesn't listen to you."

Stop talking like I'm not here! I can hear you! I KNOW what your saying! I'm no child! YOU CANT MAKE ME DO THIS!

I watched Kai just stand there looking uncomfortable as Reita sat down onto the couch with me onto his lap and picked up the fork. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO! LET ME GOOOOO!"

I tried kicking and punching but my arms were pinned to my sides. I screamed and thrashed but Reita was stronger than me. He picked up the fork with rice on it then stuffed it into my mouth. I spit it out then started screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Kai covered his ears while Reita winced. "Stop screaming Miyavi! There's no need to scream!" Reita yelled trying to calm me down.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"FINE!"

Reita dropped me to the floor where I crawled as fast as I could away and wrapped myself around Kai's legs. Kai almost fell over but pushed against the wall and gently placed a hand over my head looking very sorry.

I don't care though. He let Reita try to make me do something I didn't want to do. I already hate his guts. They think I don't know about them either. That I don't understand. That they'r seeing each other. I know.

Kai slowly patted my head before bending down and trying to talk to me. I didn't listen, I didn't want to listen. I didn't care to listen.

I wouldn't listen to him.

Kai started to try to pry me off his legs but I still wouldn't let go making him sigh. I probably would have never let go if it wasn't for the door slamming open and Aoi, Uruha, and Ruki walking in.

I quickly jumped up and ran over to Aoi and took him into a bone crunching hug. He chuckled softly, just the way I like him to and got off him. "Hey there Miyavi. How are you this morning?"

I smiled widely to him. "I'm fine!" I then looked to Uruha who looked alittle unsure and slowly started backing away.

But I was too fast.

I got him into a big bone crunching hug as well making him choke then gasp when I lifted him up. He laughed softly and wobbled when I put him down. "I'm glad to see your ok Miyavi…"

"YES!"

I then looked down to Ruki who frowned. "Don't you even DARE think about hugging me you retarded frea- SON OF A BITCH!"

I made sure to squeeze Ruki the hardest. Even though his words are true about me. I don't think he likes me….

"FUCK! SOMEONE, GET THIS FUCKER OFF OF MEEEE!" Ruki strangled out as I spun him around. He was always so easy to pick up. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see every one looking at us.

"… Miyaiv." Uruha said softly, being the one to touch my shoulder. "We, need to practice now, and that will be kinda hard if Ruki has no breath left to sing with." I whined. "Aww, but I like giving Ruki hugs. He's so short and easiest to catch!"

"FUCKEEEERRRRRR!"

I laughed and Uruha looked back to the rest of his band for help. Reita cleared his throat and walked over to us. "Now Miyavi…"

I hate him.

"Please put Ruki down, we really need to start recording this. You want us to become nice and famous, right?"

"No." I said honestly.

Reita seemed to go tense while Aoi and Uruha looked to each other and Kai just bit his lip. "Miyavi-"

"WHAT!? LET GO OF ME YOU MONKEY!" Ruki yelled kicking me in the leg.

I dropped him to hold my leg then looked to him sadly before limping away to sit on the couch.

They stared at me for a minute except Ruki who pretended to wipe dust off his clothes before walking onto the stage and blowing into the mic. "Ok! Lets get this practice OVER WITH!"

Every one winced when he screamed into the mic and started going to their instruments grumbling.

I felt Kai glance at me from behind his drums before starting them off with a count down.

And then there was noise.

After about 3 hours of practicing and me trying to get Sonic to beat Egg Man's ass they took a break slowly walking off the little stage and going to sit down or lean against equitment.

I moved over for Uruha to sit next to me and he smiled and then started talking with Aoi who sat next to Uruha.

Kai and Reita sat on the couch across while Ruki leaned against the arm of the couch listening to Uruha and Aoi's conversation.

I smiled and put my game away, waiting for someone to start talking to me. When no one offered I felt my smile fall slightly and I looked down to my hands.

"Hey retard."

"Ruki!" Kai scolded to the smirking Ruki.

I looked up to him and smiled. "Yes shorty-chan?" Ruki didn't seem to like that and slid onto the couch almost into Reita's lap if he didn't move. He pulled out a cig and started smoking "Why the hell are you here?"

"Ruki." Kai said warningly. Ruki waved him off then looked back to me. "Doesn't matter Kai, he just want's attention the little handicapped bitch doesn't know what were talking about."

"Ruki!" Both Aoi and Reita said at the same time. "What!?"

"No, he's right." Every one looked over to me and I smiled brightly. "I don't know a fucking word your saying."

Just agree.

If that's what it takes for them to look at me. To talk to me. To notice me. Then that's just fine.

Every one stared at me. Even Ruki, who didn't notice his cig slipping from his fingers and his mouth hanging open slightly from what I said.

That's right. Do you feel bad now? Do you believe what you just said? Cause it is true. I know nothing… You even said it yourself.

….Don't look at me like that….

There was silence as I just sat there smiling while every one looked to me with slack jaws. I finally pointed. "Ruki, don't you feel that? You cig is burning into your pants." I laughed behind my hand as Ruki cursed and started slapping the hot cig off his clothes.

Every one seemed to snap out of it at that but still had uncomfortable looks. I looked over to Kai and tried not to notice his and Reita's hands locked together. Reita's thumb gently stroking over Kai's hand.

Slowly.

Slowly.

One to three, stroke.

Two, two, three, stroke

Three, three, three, stroke.

Two, four, pie, STROKE.

Eight, snake, scones STROKE.

NINE, FOUR, SIX, THREE, DIE!

"So! I think we should do a vote!" Aoi said clapping his hands once. I blinked then quickly followed him making him smile to me. I smiled back.

There was a 'hunn' from Ruki who was starting on a new cig and nods from Reita and Uruha. "I think a vote is a great idea." Kai said sitting up.

"Great idea!" I said smiling.

"Miyavi please, don't copy people, that's annoying. And you don't have to yell…" Reita said slowly.

My smile fell.

"Yeah." Ruki said smirking to the ceiling. "You need a brain at least this big." He held up a paper clip. "And an IQ over 40. To vote this vote." He then chucked the paper clip at me.

Reita and Kai frowned to Ruki who laughed at his own joke. "… Oh, then that's too bad I guess…" I said looking down to my lap. "Well, we will just have to watch from the side lines then."

Ruki stopped laughing. "We?"

I nodded then smiled. "Isn't it great your not the only one who fits those categories Ruki?"

Ruki's eye twitched. "You trying to be funny punk?"

I cocked my head. "No, I am very serious." I then puffed out my chest. "Us retards must stick together."

Ruki squeezed his cig in half then glared to Aoi who was laughing behind his hand. "Ok, that's enough Ruki."

"Me!? What did I do? HE was the one who is cracking stupid jokes." He then glared to me. "You think your funny dick head?"

"ALRIGHT! Lets begin the vote!" Kai said standing up and snatching Ruki's hat off his head. "Hey!"

"Ok, this is how it's going to go." Kai said pulling up a little pocket notebook then passed it out. "Everyone pull out one piece of paper and write the name of who you want to be leader of the band. We- I said one piece Miyavi. Please try to listen."

I blinked and tried folding the other 8 pieces of paper back into the little notebook then handed it over to Reita.

Kai watched me for a minute later before continuing. "Ok, so you will write down the name of who you vote. Then put it into the hat. When everyone has voted, we will count together who has the most votes… You cant vote for yourself….."

Kai looked to Ruki who was too busy pulling out another cig to notice but then noticed the silence and looked up from digging in his pocket and looked at all the eyes on him. "… What the fuck. What are you all looking at?" He snapped.

Kai looked away smiling. "Alright! Everyone ready, set, FIND YOUR PEN OR PENCILES AND VOTE!"

Uruha and Ruki quickly jumped up off the couch racing to find something that wrote. I was about to get up and follow Uruha when I felt a tug on my arm and looked over to Reita who was half standing up. "Please Miyavi, maybe you should just stay down." He then pulled out a pen from his pocket and handed it to me before walking over and following Kai who had pulled a pen from his own pocket and ran over to sit on the stage and write a name.

I glared to the pen and sat back down crossing my arms over my chest and sitting back into the couch then sniffed. "… I could have gotten my own pen…"

I suddenly felt the pen slip from my fingers and looked over to see Aoi holding on the pen then handed me a pink one instead. "Here, use my pen." He smiled to me and started to use the dull black pen Reita handed to me.

I blinked and looked down to the little pink pen and smiled scribbling down what I wanted then folded it and looked over to Aoi. "Who did you vote for Aoi-san?"

Aoi chuckled lightly folding his own paper then winked to me before standing up. "W, wait, your pen."

"Keep it." He looked over to were Ruki's hat was and plopped his paper in. I stood up and quickly followed him. Soon Ruki came and put his paper in, then Uruha. We looked over to where Kai and Reita were seeing them whispering to eachother.

With smiles on their faces…

I looked away and walked back to the couch and sat down while Ruki yelled. "OI! Get your arses back here so we can hurry up and finish this vote and make me leader!"

Kai and Reita quickly stood up then made a fast glance in my direction. I quickly looked out the window acting as if that was what I was looking at the whole time.

They quickly walked back towards the coffee table and put their votes in the hat. "Uruha, would you like to do the honors?" Reita asked passing Uruha the hat.

Uruha smiled taking the hat and started mixing the little folded pieces of paper before standing up and slowly walking around. "Who's gunna make leaderrrrr?" He smiled and quickly pulled out a name. "…. KAI!"

Kai blinked surprised while I clapped. "W, what? Someone voted for me?" Kai asked picking up his name from the coffee table. "Yay! Who's next who's next!?"

I clapped my hands loudly making Ruki roll his eyes and sit back into the couch while Uruha started digging into the hat again. "The next onnnnneeee issssss." He pulled it out then looked confused. "…. D, Donald Duck?"

"Yay! Go Donald! Woop!" I clapped my hands happily. Every one looked to me for a minute before Uruha put the name onto the table then started to dig into the hat again quietly.

Ruki sat up pulling his cig from his mouth. "You see, I told you it was a bad idea to let this moron vote!" Kai gently set his hand onto Ruki's leg to calm him down making Ruki grumble and sit back into his chair.

It went silent.

"… The next vote is….. Aoi!" Aoi blinked. "… Me?" He asked pointing to himself as he took his name from Uruha. Ruki rolled his eyes. "No, Santa claus, YES YOU! Now stop acting all surprised and all and hurry up and pull my name!"

Uruha waved his finger out infront of Ruki's face and went tsk, tsk, tsk. "Now Ruki… You be patient. Your name just might be pulled next." Uruha started digging around into the hat again smiling as he watched Ruki pout then pulled out another name. "…. Reita! Welcome to the 'might be leader-sama club'." Uruha handed Reita his name then went back into the hat.

"Now time for vote numberrrrr 5! And it's…. Kai again!" He handed a smiling Kai his name then went back to the hat. I watched as Reita bent over and whispered into Kai's ear making Kai smile brightly and look to him with happy eyes.

Something he hasn't done for me in a long time…

"WHAT!? You mean to tell me NON of you voted for me!?" Ruki yelled almost swallowing his cig. Uruha rolled his eyes. "Ruki, there is one more vote left. It could be you." Uruha then cleared his throat. "Now, drum role please."

Kai picked up his drumsticks and walked over to his drum set then started to do a light drum while Uruha danced around his hand in the hat. "Annnndddd, The last vote issssss." He pulled it out once the drumming stopped and his face fell. "…. Uh, and… The last vote… Is." He mumbled reading the paper.

Kai leaned over his drums waiting for Uruha to read out the name while Reita bounced his leg and I rubbed my eye. "… WELL!?" Ruki finally burst out then got up from the couch when Uruha wouldn't answer. Uruha saw Ruki coming and held the paper over his head.

"Uruha!" Uruha smirked. "You wont like it!" Uruha said in a sing song voice making Ruki bristle and start jumping for the paper. "DAMMIT!" Ruki yelled when he couldn't reach.

I laughed and pointed. "Look at Ruki jumping like a fish!" He glared to me before reaching back for the paper. "READ IT!"

"Nope."

"Uruha!!!"

"Yes?"

"DAMN YOU!"

"Ah, ha, ha, ha!"

"OI!"

"Ok, that's enough now Ruki." Uruha said pushing Ruki easily to the side and walking back to the table while holding out the paper infront of him. "Sit down and I'll tell you."

Ruki sat down grumbling while Kai stood up from his drum set to stand behind Uruha. "Ahem…. SO! The last and final vote for the permanent leader-sama issssssss!"

Ruki crossed his fingers muttering under his breath for it to be him. "Please, please, please, please…."

"…. DONALD DUCK!"

"WHAT!?"

"WHOO DONALD DUCK WINS!" I clapped my hands loudly while Aoi giggled behind his hand. Kai and Reita looked dumbstruck while Uruha just looked amused.

Ruki looked as if he could kill….

"YOU IDIOT!" Ruki yelled pointing to me.

"Hu?" I looked to him confused.

"Miyavi." Kai sighed rubbing little circles onto his forehead. "You were supposed to vote just once…"

"I KNEW THE DUMB ONE WOULD RUINE THE VOTE! I JUST KNEW IT!" Ruki rambled while Uruha just tried holding back his giggles.

"But, I did vote just once Kai… Honestly."

"Then why is there two votes for Donald Duck?" Reita said in his 'I am dad and dad is not happy', voice.

I glare at him. Why are you butting in? I was just talking to Kai, not you!

I shrugged. "I don't know. But it wasn't me!" Kai and Reita looked to each other before sighing and sitting back into the seat not looking like they believed me. When they started whispering amongst each other I knew they didn't.

This hurt.

A lot.

Uruha was now sitting on his heels as he was going over the names and votes that he had taken back and stopped frowning. "… Hey you guys…"

Every one stopped to look to him. "WHAT NOW URUHA!?" Ruki snapped pulling out his 5th cig that hour.

Uruha flipped through the names. "… This doesn't make sense… There are only 6 votes…" Ruki shrugged. "So? There are six people. If you count that retard a person…"

Kai shushed Ruki then looked back to Uruha. "What are you getting at Uru?" Uruha shifted slightly. "Well, either Miyavi DID somehow cheat and vote twice… Or, someone other than Miyavi voted for Donald Duck."

Every one looked to each other, most eyes I noticed on me…

"Oooohhhh." Uruha smirked looking around at every one around the coffee table slowly. "The mystery of the Donald Duck vote. Is it suspect A? Uke Yutaka? The always innocent and kind looking one. While cute and fluffy on the outside, no one really knows what his motives are. Honestly he is dark and mysterious. HE COULD BE SOME CRAZED KILLER FOR ALL WE KNOW! A mystery, indeed."

Kai tried looking angry but couldn't help smiling. "Hey!"

Uruha tried keeping his smile under control as well but was failing then looked over to Reita. "Or could it be Suzuki Akira? Uke's accomplice in crime. Many secrets he may have. Like, whats really under that nose band Akira?"

Reita smiled draping his arm around Kai's shoulder. "Well wouldn't you like to know?"

Uruha smiled. "Smart man…"

"Uh, HELLO! Our voting was totally sabatoged and all what you could do is play detective!? There really doesn't need to be a detective when your guy is RIGHT THERE!"

He pointed to me…

"Matsumoto Takanori! Loud mouth pug with sharp temper and little fuse… Same thing. But what is up with it man? Are you throwing the blame on someone els so you can get away scott free!? Or is there something els? For behind that dark, mean, sharp tongue of yours, is really a poor defenseless baby catapiler who just needs a hug?"

Ruki glared to Uruha. "… I'm going to kill you."

Uruha quickly looked away. "I rest my case…Takashima Kouyou! His motives are unknown as well. But one thing is for sure. With his, unresistible, sexy body. And to die for hair. With, handsome features, not to mention the perfect ass. That he really is one hot guy!"

"Uruha!" Aoi, and Kai said at the same time. "Oh, right…. We may never know… But honestly, I think he's innocent…."

"URUHA!"

"What? I swear, it wasn't me…"

Reita's eyes narrowed. "Uruha are you drunk?" Uruha quickly answered. "No…." He then giggled and cleared his throat. "What ever gave you that idea Rei?"

Reita looked to him and he stood up. "Cause I honestly don't think you know what your talking about anymore…." He said walking over to Uruha's water bottle and opened it to take a sniff. "… Uruha!"

Uruha raised his arms in defense. "Hey man, I swear, that's not mine…"

Reita turned the bottle so it showed Uruha's name in thick marker. Uruha blinked then raised his arms again. "That…. Wasn't there afew minutes ago." Reita just rolled his eyes walking back to the table with the water bottle and set it down. "I've been framed I'm telling ya!" Reita just shook his head not letting the guitarist have his waterbottle.

"Well…" Aoi said picking up the votes. "… Looks like it's a tie between Kai, and Donald Duck…" Aoi looked around smiling. "Lets vote." There were groans and giggles as Aoi took the votes into his hands and ripped them up.

"WHAT!? Another vote!? Why don't we all just admit that Ruki would be an awesome leader hu?" He said pouring out the rest of his cigs onto his hand shakily.

"Now children, lets do this in an orderly fashion." Aoi said sitting up. "Lets raise hands. If you want yes for that person… Raise your hand. No… Don't raise your hand…. Simple, right?"

Everyone nodded.

"Alright then. Only vote once…. Ready? Now who votes for Kai for leader-sama? Raise your hand…"

Reita raised his hand smiling down to Kai who slowly raised his own hand. Uruha even though had his head down on the table raised his hand as well. Ruki, grumbled but raised his hand. Aoi nodded then looked over to me.

I just blinked. "… What about Donald Duck?"

"What about Donald Duck retard? No one is going to vote for a stupid cartoon character." Ruki snapped.

I frowned. "Well, Donald duck will feel lonely. And, I vote for him…"

Aoi nodded. "Alright then, for those in for Donald Duck, raise your hand…"

I raised my hand high while every one els put their hand down… Except Uruha who had to get his arm slapped down by Ruki.

I looked around and once again felt retarded as everyone stared at me as if I were crazy. HEY! Donald Duck would have felt lonely, and I know that feeling. No one should feel it.

Not being picked for any team in school. The coach not even doing anything about because the kids will just complain and just tell you to play with the wall.

So you play with the wall.

You play and look back to the kids in the field then to the wall.

'Hello wall' is what you say. 'You're a wall, you know, if walls can talk all the stories they would tell… Like the great wall of China, now that wall must have enough bedtime stories for you till you make it to the after life.'

'Whats that you say? You would rather play? That's fine… We can play just you and me, and me and you. We play with this ball. All. Recess. Through…'

Yeah, I know it plenty…

Me and that wall.

We really hit it off….

"So Miyavi you vote for Donald Duck?" Aoi ask me breaking me from my thoughts. I shake my head yes and he smiles to me slowly raising his hand.

"I vote for Donald Duck as well."

My eyes went wide and I was sure everyone els eyes did as well… Even Uruha's.

"….. WWWHHHHAAATTT!!!!????" Ruki jumped up to his feet pointing to Aoi. "SO IT WAS YOU! IT WAS YOU THE WHOLE TIME!!!"

Aoi shrugged. "I never said it wasn't me."

"But, But, how? Why?"

Kai finally spoke up. "Yeah Aoi, out of all the people, I wouldn't have expected you." Reita nodded in agreement.

Uruha smiled. "You sneaky fish… I wonder what els you've done without us knowing."

Aoi smiled. "That's something for me to know and you to hopefully never find out."

As the others continued to yell and bicker to Aoi. I just sat there, looking to him with wide eyes, my arm still half raised and ,out slack.

Because…

'Hey wall… I think there's a blade of grass over there who would like to play with us.'

* * *

My goal is to keep doing long chapts for u all. This is my challege fic, in more ways than one. I hope u like it. Ummm I finally have a fic with Uruha, and it's also KaixReita, and, Miyavi isn't a bad guy… wow, so much… and I'm not used to KaixReita by the way. 


	3. Chapter 3

chapters: 3/?

pairings: MiyavixKai KaixReita

syn: Help me pull this 'What the fuck.' To a 'something'….

comments: well, as u all SHOULD know with reading around. that i have been very busy finals, military school, sat school, Acedemic support, guitar, acting, modeling... yeah, studying... uh hu... and no, i have not stopped writing oH BoY k!LL... it's still live and healthy. ((oh!? Whats that!? A LUMP!? CANCER!?!?!?!)) this fic mEntal SEX, is just a stress reliever... yes, well... yes. enjoy.

* * *

Every month, on the first and third week, on Mondays, a cirtain check would come through the mail.

Every Thursday on the last week of the month, that check was taken to the bank and X amount of money was exchanged for the check in cold cash.

Then every last Sunday, homeless and desperate would gather in the ally between the two apartment complexes on the Hun Su street...

And smile as money will fall...

It's. Something that has yet to be explained... It's a myth, something that only the very lucky know...

This, once a month bliss for those who people have been forgotten. They stay in the shadows for a reason...

They are not wanted.

Obviously, they are not wanted... And they dont belong.

Who would want a strange smelly man?

A person who cant be trusted and is crusted over with who knows what.

Yes, they might have been very successful people at one point... They could have great ideas that could help change the world and make the future a better place.

But we dont care.

We ignore them.

We didn't read as many books. And we didn't study as much. But we dont care. There below us...

And look now.

We've come out fine...

A genius is what they would call me. If they knew who I was... A god, a savior, a hero. But I am non of those.

Just a retard.

Thats what I think as I throw the money from a bucket out the fire escape window and look down below to see the scrambling people in rags act like dogs to get at the money first.

Yes, they think me as their god.

A hero without a cape.

Not a retard...

"Thank you!"

I hear them calling up to me and peek over the fire escape railing to see happy faces smiling up to me and a few people waving. Their pockets full with my monthly hospital checks.

My disability….

I waved back to them and slipped back into the apartment, dropping the bucket next to the window and closing it with a _snap. _I smiled feeling that happy feeling of helping others. Feeling that I can be more help than an annoyance…

It suddenly vanished though when the front door opened and Kai came in holding a bag. He looked to me before smiling weakly and walking into the kitchen and setting the bag down.

It went silent except for the rustling of the plastic bag as Kai started to pull things out. "… How are you Miyav?"

I looked to Kai for a long minute before pulling a smile and nodding. "I'm fine Kai… How are you?"

I watched Kai sigh and lean against the table for a brief minute before pushing away and walking to the pile of mail on the counter picking it up and flipping through the mail.

Ignoring my question…

So I watched him… And waited…

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And whatthefuckisyourproblemdidyounothearmeshouldIrepetemyselfforyou?

And waited.

And waited.

And, oh…. He looked up.

"… Miyavi…"

I smiled and stood up straight. "Yes?" He looked to me for a long minute before shaking his head no and leaning on his other foot while flipping through the mail again. I frowned and jutted out my lip slightly. "…….."

Kai glanced up to me before sighing and setting down the mail and leaning against the table again while looking up to the ceiling, seeming to be thinking of something very hard before turning to look at me.

"…. Well… Miyavi, I am supposed. To be getting a check in the mail soon… A, check from, the hospital…. It has a lot of money on it and it well… Well. I just kinda need it…"

I looked to him, my mouth hanging open. Isn't that supposed to be MY money? It's MY disability! What would he want with it? I quickly closed my mouth a swallowed. "…. W, what would you, do with that money?"

I watched Kai shift onto his other leg and he looked away, out the window. "…. Well, I would… First, Well… Why do you want to know?" Kai asked me, not looking to me making a lump form in my throat.

I quickly thought up a lie. "… Uh, I, want to know what you do with checks… Cause if I get one, I know what I will spend it on. A big box of CANDY!" I clapped my hands weakly making Kai frown. "No, you first have to pay for your bills first, then whatever money you have left. You get REAL food.."

Kai then picked up the plastic bag and dropped it again. "And that is why I am the one handling the money, because I know you wouldn't get REAL food…. Just candy. Or nothing at all…"

I just shrugged and moved to touch the mail but Kai pulled it away before I could reach. "I don't want you touching the mail Miyavi… You know that." Kai said tucking the mail under his arm and walking towards the stove. I glared to his back.

Never stopped me before…

"Well, Kai, what do you do with the money left over?" I asked rocking onto my toes and watched as he pulled out a pan, and pot then set them onto the stove. "… Well, after I am done paying for my bills… I get food for me, and you… Then… Well." He smiled as if dreaming. "I have been trying to save up. To buy Reita this gift."

I felt my whole face frown. Why Reita? It's always Reita.

Reita this, and Reita that?

What about Miyavi?

What about me?

Reita can go fall down some stairs for all I care.

"…. Oh, well… What is it your trying to get him?" Kai looked over to me. "… I'm not going to tell. You might spoil it." I frowned. "I promise I wont tell. You can trust me Kai." I leaned over onto the table and gave a small pout. Kai looked skeptical and was about to say something when there was a knock on the door.

I ran looked up to Kai. "I'll get it!" Kai blinked and was about to say something but I ran away to the door before he could utter a word. I looked through the peep hole frowning when I couldn't see any one there then swung the door open. "Hello?"

Reita stepped into view smiling down to me. "Hello Miyavi, how are y-"

**SLAM**

I slowly locked the door while frowning. There was no way I was going to let that fucker near my Kai…

Kai poked his head around the corner, wiping his hands on a towel. "Was that Reita?" I quickly shook my head no. "It was… Ruki. He called me a mean name again, so I closed the door on him." Kai frowned stepping out into the hall. "That Ruki… That's fine then, I don't want to talk to him when he is being mean." And with that he turned from the hall and back to the kitchen.

That was it? No, 'That's fine, I don't want to talk to him when he's being mean, TO MY BOYFRIEND…' Why didn't he add that last part?

There was silence before the door bell started going off. Kai walked back to the hall. "My god, Ruki could be so demanding." He grumbled heading back into the kitchen. I quickly ran after him, trying to ignore the door bell and watched as Kai started cooking.

I watched him closely as he moved around the kitchen, getting some eggs from the fridge, then adding some seasoning.

Are you happy Kai?

Do you think we are a good…. I don't know what?

Do you think about me as much as I think about you?

What were you planning on doing with my disability? It's under MY name, it's MINE by law, I'M supposed to use it… And, yet I havn't used a penny of it… I don't need help. I don't need their money…. But the thought of you stealing from me, without telling me…

I don't know what to think any more.

Iv'e noticed you and Reita get closer.

Short little touches turned to little kisses to long make out sessions… Next will be sex.

Well, maybe that wont be next… Maybe your already having sex with that punk…

Maybe, on the nights your not here, your with him. In his bed, in his arms… In him.

Moaning and growling his name, begging him to go faster and faster….

Until…

Then stars is all what you see before the numbing dizzy that will wash over you and you relax next to him.

Smiling.

Without even thinking once about me. Not my name, not my hair. Not MY body under or over you. Not MY arms wrapped around you, or MY lips lightly kissing your temple and MY calming words whispering you to sleep.

So are you happy Kai?

Do you know what you want anymore?

What are you doing? While you and Reita are a budding couple, we are the 'I don't know what'…. Is it Miyavi you want?

You fell in love with Miyavi… Or, was it not love. Just another something… Another 'I don't know what.' But something that stretched to this big 'What the fuck?' Well, you can be happy Kai, but what about me? I'm, not happy…

I don't know what to think any more… I've never been in a relation ship, or a 'What the fuck.' Not even an 'I don't know.'

So, I will give you, Miyavi… I will. And I will try to fix this into… A 'something.'

But you must promise me something… You must promise to do your side… Help me pull this 'What the fuck.' To a 'something'….

Without me telling you.

You should know already… The first signs if I want to change. You should jump at them the first chance you see them… Leave Reita. And come back to me…

This is my test to you.

Will you ace it? B? C? D and 3/4ths?

Or will you see it, and just not jump at it? Will you pass it up, and continue pushing our 'What the fuck' to a 'I hate you.' It's up to you Kai… I will just give the cards and wait for you to respond.

I shouldn't have to say anything.

If you really love me.

You should see it as easily as you would see Reita in a big crowd…

The sudden ring of Kai's cell phone snaps me out of my thoughts and I notice that I have been leaning against the table just starring off into space for 20 minutes now. The banging on the door has stopped. And it is quiet except for the ringing…

Kai puts a pot onto the stove while he digs out his cell phone and reads what it says before his face brightened up and he quickly answered.

I already know who it is…

"Hey Reita! How are you?…. Whats that?…. You say your outside?…" I close my eyes and try to swallow down the sudden anger and hate as Kai walks past me to go the front door.

The door is opened and cell phones are cut off. Then space is filled with bodies and air particles, and dust fly as Kai lifts his arms and Reita brings their bodies closer… I hear, every movement.

I feel, every movement.

I taste, every kiss.

1, 2, 3…. Breath.

Again.

1, 2, 3…. Breath.

One more time… 1, 2, 3… Gasp, pant. 4, 5, 6…

8

11

14

19

22

….. Oh, god. Make it stop.

Reita finally pulls away and gently moves some of Kai's bangs out his face while he smiled down to him. Kai mimicked that smile and they stared into each other's eyes deeply.

Deeper….

Deeper….

Lost…. Gone.

Come back?

Hello?

Me?

What about, me?

I sniff making Kai and Reita quickly let go of each other and look in my direction. I stood there, trying not to cry. Trying to make it like all the other times… But, I cant. My body wont let me… Why? Why cant I deal with it? I've been dealing with shit like this all, my, life.

But tonight. I have to push, alittle harder for my fake smile to spread onto my face.

Like unnamed brand peanutbutter…

I actually have to force, to unfist my hands and relax.

Like deflating dough.

And I have to think before I speak.

Like the smart person I'm not…

Is this not hard enough.

Kai and Reita just stand there… Waiting, for me… Why would they wait for me now? Just waiting for a reaction I wont give… Are you waiting for me to snap? For me to just blow over and yell at your face so you can get me out of the picture finally. Your mind is working in one way…

'Please, let him get angry… Yeah, I'll feel bad and all. But only for a few days, cause I finally got you. I will finally have him out my hair and move on with you. Just you… Lets go to the park later. Or better yet. Lets skip all that, and just get married…. I like that idea. You?'

But I know… I know what your thinking… You cant, and wont, trick me… I may be retarded… But I'm not blind… So I will continue smiling, and acting as if I don't see you… I will continue loving and following when you don't want me to… And soon enough, you will see the signs… Maybe you will see them tonight.

But your going to have to LOOK, IN, MY, DIRECTION, in order for you to see…

….. Maybe, not tonight then….

"…. Miyavi." Kai said slowly as he took a step towards me. I blinked and quickly looked up to him, not remembering when I started looking down to my socks. "… Reita will be having dinner with us tonight."

Yee, fuckity, dee, fuckity, doo….

"That's fine." I said smiling then turn going back into the kitchen. I don't hear Reita or Kai coming until a few seconds later…

Or is it steps?

Are they giving me space?

Or…

"Well, tonight I made Galbi, Tanshio, Torihara, Yukhoe, Soup, and 4 Salads." Kai said setting the table as Reita sat down I glared as he sat down then moved my attention back to Kai and smiled, watching as he started to fill Reita's plate first.

I stayed patient…

Then I saw him filling his own plate.

Then he sat down……

I looked down to my empty spot on the table and back to Kai and Reita talking to each other across the table as if it was just them and some romantic outing. I watched them switching back and forth as they spoke.

"This isn't so bad honestly…"

"Oh, good. I'm glad you like it Reita."

"Well, I havn't eaten all day, so I can eat about anything at the moment."

"Oh thanks! So your saying you still don't like my food?"

"Well, you still make things a little too sweet… But, I like this… Except for the salads…"

"Well, mister, you need to eat your veggies or you wont be nice and strong."

"Your right, I wont be able to protect you if I'm weak from not eating my veggies."

"Oh? And what Is there to protect me from?"

"Well, you never know. You might be walking down the street when something bad can happen and – blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…"

I cant believe this… Have they forgotten that I'm here? That quickly!? I franticly glance to Kai who Is laughing behind his hand then picking up more food and putting it into his mouth. I then looked to Reita who was smiling smugly and moved to pop more food into his own mouth. I looked back to Kai who peeks to Reita when he thinks he isn't looking. And I look back to Reita who continues to eat then smiles sweetly to Kai.

I feel sick.

How could they just, forget about me? They wont even LOOK in this direction! I swallow the sudden lump in my throat and shut my eyes when my mouth starts to feel tight. I will NOT, get sick.

No matter what. I will keep it all undercontrol. Everythings fine… Just fine.

I sniff and gently spread my hands over my lap as I wait for the nausea to calm down. It takes me 4 times I must clear my throat to get through their laughing for them to finally notice me. "Oh, Miyavi whats wrong? Kai asks still in the middle of a smile. I just feel worse….

I glance down to my empty spot in front of me with my head, too afraid to talk that I might loose it… I wouldn't eat, not know… Miyavi I'm sure is hungry. But he's going to have to wait till I get things back incontrol.

Kai at first didn't know what I was trying to say before looking down to the empty space. "Oh! I'm sorry Miyavi. Would you like to eat too?" I slowly nod my head.

Kai smiled his usual bright smile. "Then, get on up and get you a plate… You can help yourself." He said cheerily before turning his full attention back to Reita.

I looked to Kai for a long, long, long minute… So, he would serve Reita and himself… But not me? I really felt ill now to the point I'm sure it was showing. But they wouldn't see… They wouldn't notice…. Why would they.

All I want to do is groan and lay my head onto the table then get sick, but I don't… Yet I'm so close to doing it. I hold myself up and just sit there, waiting… For what I don't .know, but I'm waiting for it… The conversation to end maybe? For their attention to move to me? For Reita to hurry and choke on his fork… One of those, witch ever comes first…

Too bad for me non of them happen. I waited out and slowly came out of my nausea as Kai and Reita finished up their meals. They clean up and move to sit in the front room, Reita talking about a movie they should watch together…

Together equals two… Not three.

So I sit there, in the dark kitchen as I hear then chatting in the front room. And before I know it. I hear footsteps, walking away…. Towards the door. The shuffling of coats, and the rattle of shoes…. Then the open of the door. And the slam.

Then quiet.

It's quiet…

Where did they go?

No good bye?

Hello?

I'm still in here.

"Fuck." That's all I can say. "Fuck." So I say it again. "Fuck." And hey, why not again. "FUCK." And again. "FUCK!" And again. "FUCK!" And, again. "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!" By now I'm banging on the table and gripping the chair. I bang again, and again, and hey, why not one more time…

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!" And now, I'm crying. I feel my face go hot, and my eyes burn… And I cry.

I don't know why I'm crying… But, I do. I feel, I must. I havn't cried in a very long time. And each time I do, I tell my self not to ever do it again… But, here I am. Crying once more… I'm such a retarded baby…

What am I dong wrong?

What am I supposed to do?

A smart person would know."

But that's not me…

Whatever. I just….._Need_. This giant, _hole_ in my heart needs _filling_…. Something, _real_, something, _there_… I need it now… It's hurting so much. I cant breath… I need someone… Something, but nothings there… Nothings here.

I grasp out for my life line… My rope that every one is able to get…. But all that I get is air. Nothings, there…. Nothings, here…

All I see is the too big sky, with very little clouds…. And no birds… No life line… No rope. Nothing.

It's killing me.

Slowly, slowly as I fall from the sky. It goes dark around my eyes. Slowly, slowly…

Why, why is this happening to me? I would like to know… I WANT to know… Why me? Why did, my uncle have to do those things to me? Why did my parents have to over protect me? Why did I go to that mental hospital?

Why didn't I stay?

Why did I go to that public school?

Why did they do those things to me?

Why.

Why.

Why.

I'm getting tired of questions. I want ANSWERS. And I want them NOW. Why Kai? Why are you doing this to me?

Why am I doing this? Why am I here? Whats wrong with me? I don't know, I don't know, I dont know…

So, I will wait. For a smart person to come… I will wait, like always for them to come and find me…

This time. They will find me in the bathroom. On the floor. Vomit covering the ground. I'm in a daze… I cant feel my head. It's all a numb I didn't call.

I wonder what movie Kai and Reita went to see.

I wonder if the popcorn is buttery or dry…

I wonder if they are sharing a soda right now.

I wonder if it's a scary movie so they can have an excuse to cuddle.

I wonder if they remembered I'm still at home.

I wonder if they even thought of me. Or brought up my name…

I wonder, if I even crossed their thoughts…

Why don't you think of me the same I think of you Kai? I think of you almost all the time. And at the same time think it's a waist of time, yet I cant stop thinking… It's like that with every one. You pass by them and say hello. While you walk, you continue thinking about them, even when you get home. You remember the feeling, the feeling of being noticed. The hello. The time, the place, how you were feeling… All of it.

While the person who said the hello wasn't even thinking when they said 'hello'. It was just a reaction.

Automatic.

They wont remember you… They cant and you wonder why….

Well, I do at least. I wonder why every one cant be like me… No, I don't want that. I just want someone to give me a chance. A hug. I don't want to have to watch as friends hug each other so easily… While I have to 'ask' to get my hug… Or hello.

I don't want to have to do that any more… To stand with a crowd and not know who the hell they are talking about… Or, to be able to laugh freely and actually 'know' what were laughing about… Not having that feeling that they just might be laughing at me…

So it's a friend that I ask for? I don't think so… I'm over 'friend' now. I want more than a friend… I want to be 'loved.' Is that so hard? And if so can you tell me why? If not then… Well, why? I deserve to know…

I'm rambling now.

In my mind, yet, that's all I have… A mind that's not all sane… Boy, do I 'not' feel safe… I don't love myself… is that a problem? Is that why?

I don't know, yet I would like to know….

The floor is cold.

Why don't I get up?

For attention when Kai and Reita get home? No, they wont be home for who knows how long… Then what? Can I really not get up? Can I not try?

No.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm just… So tired… Where's my somebody? My something? What can I hold onto? I have nothing… Or maybe… I'm just selfish… Yeah. I need to stop then. I need to stop whining and complaining… Cause I have 'everything.'… All of it. Friends, a boy friend, everything.

So, I must be confused…

Cause I have it all…

Even.

More.

Than……

* * *

Ah, well…. How was that? I know, it took forever. And don't worry. Oh BoY k!LL is still going and good. Just needed to, you know. Let it out. And that's where this fic comes in…. hope u comment. It helps me a lot. This one is just a lot of rambling. Sorry, I just kinda wanted to get it over with while keeping my 14 pg or over promise… hope its kk. uhhh, thanks to yuki and her friend. i nkow, u both really want the next chapt of oH BoY k!LL, and honestly... I DO TOO! 

but yeah... busy... but, i swear that THAT will be the next fic up here... just dont know when XP


	4. Chapter 4

chapt: 4/?

pairrings: MiyavixKai KaixREita

syn: "That sounds like a personal problem…"

comments: yes, finals is over, casting call on Sunday, my tummy hurts, i am not exactly thinking positive thoughts about my self at the moment... yeah, sorry to spill this out. but, well, just ignore this, i might erase it later...

* * *

old pale tile.

Thats the first thing I notice. I then notice the space for shower and bath... the stool where you sit to scrub your hair...

I then notice something els... It's there, laying by the toilet, making the pink fuzzy rug stain into a nasty deep purple.

Then I notice the smell...

I quickly shut my eyes and force my tired muscles up from the bathroom floor. I stumbled then leaned against the sink as my head swam and a pressure un knotted itself from behind my eyes making the blur go away faster.

I scratch at my head as things start to clear up. Then I looked down at the puddle by the toilet and frown.

"... So, I threw up?"

I shut my eyes and hold my stomach feeling it cramp. The nausea was gone. But now it was something. I looked down to the mess on the floor and made a face before blinking and stumbling from the bathroom out into the hall.

I opened the door from the bathroom and looked into the room before calling weakly. "Kai?"

No answer.

I bit my lip slowly walking into his room and looking around. The room was slightly messy, but not as messy as mine. The bed was on a box bed frame that made it down to the floor. Some discarded papers, shoes... a box full of letters... The closet was wide open.

And it smelled just like Kai.

I took in a deep breath, enjoying as the scent went up my nose, down my throat, through my air ways, and got embedded into my brain.

To think, I would have to embed it again...

I should keep this scent in my mind, my brain, all the time to the point I'm almost swimming in it...

Kinda hard when that scent is either not there, or is covered in another...

I open my eyes and look out the window seeing the sun was not fully risen, making the room glow in a nice golden honey kind of color...

"... Honey... Where are you?" I slowly walk away from Kai's room and walk down the hall, noticing my mind is still in a swim before getting into the front room.

The same golden honey glow was happening here. I bit my lip and looked to the bar/kitchen seeing no Kai shuffling around making breakfast...

I quickly look to the clock on the DVD player seeing it was just 6:23. "... Kai?"

Was he no where? I wouldn't be in my room...

I look left, I look right, I look down, I dont know why I would look up.

But I did...

Might as well not miss any places he might be...

Now I am starting to panic.

I quickly start running around the house going in closets, cabinets, under sinks, under beds. Any where to prove to myself that he did NOT stay with Reita last night.

"Honey!? Honey!?" I dont even know why I'm yelling that. I never gave Kai nick names... He was always Kia.

I feel my eyes burn and my throat get tight as I swallow and run back into Kai's room. "He's here, he's here, he's here..."

I looked there...

And there...

There too...

Why would he be there...?

Of course he's not there...

STOP LOOKING IN RETARDED PLACES!!!!

NO! YOU LOOKED THERE!

WHY WOULD YOU GO THERE!?

IF YOU CANT FIT THERE HOW COULD HE!?

NO WONDER HE LEFT! OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T HIDE IN THERE!

WHY WOULD HE HIDE FROM YOU ANY WAY!?!?!?

"THATS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW!" I scream pulling at my hair as I stand in the middle the front room. I quickly wipe over my face feeling hot tears spilling down my face and getting into my mouth.

No, dont cry... Babies cry! Retarded babies cry! STOP CRYING!

"I CANT! ICANTICANTICANTICANTICANT!!!!" I screamed really pulling at my hair now. I breath in and out. Faster and faster. Why wouldn't he be home? Why? Why? WHY?

I stop when I hear banging on the door and spin around and blink. "... He's here... Honeys home!" I smile past my hot face and rush to unlock the door not even thinking why Kai would need to knock.

I swing it open and my smile drops.

"Miyavi? Whats wrong?" Uruha walks in gently taking me by the shoulders and looking at my red puffy face. I look up to him feeling in a daze. "... Honey?"

Uruha blinked confused and looked to me as if I were crazy. "... Miyavi... Are you--"

"Your not my honey." I frown and pull out his grasp and stormed/stumbled past him. "I want my honey." Uruha quickly shut the door before chasing after me. "Miyavi! Please! Whats going on!? Whats honey? And you need shoes!"

I ignored him walking past the elevator and going down the stairs, not even feeling the cold sting of the white metal on the bottom of my feet. Uruha continued to follow me. "Miyavi please. Talk to me. Whats wrong? Do you want honey, honey? Like... The honey thats in the cute little bear containers? The honey you eat?"

I continued to ignore him storming out the stairs and into the front lobby where the mail was before walking out the glass doors. Uruha just continued to follow...

He followed me down the little side walk. Out the gates. And down the street. By now, he has stopped talking, and is just following... Waiting for me...

Why, I dont know.

It wasn't until I reached the other end of the third block that Uruha grabbed my arm and spun me around. "Miyavi! Whats wrong!? Why are you acting like this!? And what do you mean by honey!?

I frowned and weakly tried breaking away from Uruha's grasp, but I was so tired...

No eating for about a week can do that to you...

I slumped into Uruha's arms and buried my face into his chest. "I cant fine my Kai! He's not at home! I cant find him! Uru! Help me find him!"

Uruha held me tight to his chest looking worried. "Miyavi. Kai is at Reita's... There heading towards the practice building so that they can prepare for Aoi's surprise birthday party."

I sniffed and looked up to Uruha's face. "... Birthday party?" No one told me Aoi was having an surprise birthday party.

Probably thought I would tell...

Uruha nodded weakly. "Yes, Ruki's already there... Kai and Reita were driving there when I called. I was going over to Kai's house to get Aoi's gift he left..."

I blinked back my tears and smiled weakly. "So... Kai didn't leave me?" Uruha frowned. "No. Kai didn't leave you. He's just going to help with the party."

Oh? Thats all you can say? Not WHY would Kai want leave you? Or, of course not! Kai would NEVER leave you! Or. Kai LOVES you. He wouldn't leave...

I swallowed slowly standing up straight and wiping at my eyes. "You really think so?"

All I get is a nod...

"Come on Miyavi... Lets go back and get the present then hurry over to the place before Aoi comes..."

Uruha took my hand and I felt a jolt go up my arm heading straight to my face where I soon felt heat. I blinked and looked down to the hand touching mine, then looked back to Uruha who was walking down the side walk.

Doesn't he see?

Doesn't he know he's touching me?

Cant he feel it?

Why would he touch me?

No one has ever held my hand before...

Is he just doing this because he has to?

I thought Uruha didn't like me...

I blinked at all the thoughts going through my mind and quietly followed Uruha, back down the blocks. To the gate, up the side walks. Through the glass door. And this time into the elevator.

I fidgeted more times than I would have liked before the doors finally opened. And Uruha continued to have a firm grasp on my hand. We made it to the apartment door where Uruha finally let go to open it and go inside.

I stood there rubbing my wrist softly as if I had been wearing heavy hand cuffs and followed Uruha into the house.

By now the clock read 8:29 making Uruha curse and start walking through the house towards Kai's room. There was some scuffling as I slowly walked into the front room. Seeing the gold glow was gone... And figured so was my honey...

I sniffed still rubbing at my wrist as Uruha came out of the bedroom holding onto a present with gold wrapping and stopping at the door while looking into the bathroom. "...Miyavi. Whats that on the floor?"

I looked up to him then looked away. "... I got sick... Thats why I was looking for Kai."

Uruha looked to me for a long minute, then back to the bathroom floor. Then back to me before sighing loudly and walking towards me. I quickly back away with wide eyes seeing how Uruha stormed towards me. He stopped and looked to me strange. "I'm not going to hurt you Miyavi... I just..."

He frowned before shoving the present into my hands. "I need you to do something for me." I blinked and looked down to the golden present in my arms then back to Uruha who was now gripping my shoulders and looking me in the eyes. "I need you, to go down to the recording building. And give Aoi his present. Now this present is very important. It's from every body, and it's very special." He said slowly.

I blinked again.

Every body?

What about me?

Am I not somebody?

Guess not…

Uruha seemed to be thinking really hard for a minute before a small smile stretched over his lips. "I believe in you Miyavi... You can do this... Right?"

My eyes went wide once again... .He, believed in me? He really, honestly thought I could do it? "W, what if I screw up?" I looked down to the pretty golden present in my arms watching as things blurred. "Like always..."

Uruha's smile fell slightly. "You can do this Miyavi... I know you can..."

"Why cant you just do--"

Uruha covered my mouth with his finger. "Because, I'm going to clean the bathroom, It wouldn't be good for Kai to come home and have to clean this up... So I'm going to trust you Miyavi."

I was now shaking my head no. New tears forming in my eyes. "... No, no, no, no, I cant... I just cant... Uruha, please dont make me. I know, I'm going to screw it up... I cant."

Uruha shushed me and wiped my tear away with his thumb then lightly ran his hand through my hair. "Miyavi. Yes, you, can..." He glanced back to the clock his face turning into a frown. "Miyavi please, your running out of time. The train is going to leave soon."

I opened my mouth to say something but Uruha started digging in his pocket and pulled out some cash before placing it into my hand. "Thats all the money I got Miyavi... That will be enough to buy a train ticket... then bus fair."

I shakily took the money having no choice really with the way Uruha was forcing my hand open then looked back to me as he gently took my face into his hands. "Now please Miyavi... Do this for me... And Aoi. You only turn 29 once... I want this to be perfect for him. Every one does... Dont you?"

I swallowed and nodded my head making Uruha smile. "Good. Now, you should hurry. Like, now. I need to clean this up. I will meet you there. Ok?" I shook my head and Uruha smiled at me fore a second longer before quickly turning around and heading back to the bathroom.

I stood there for another minute still gripping the present until I bolted for the front door, slamming it shut behind me.

I ran, I ran, I ran, I ran... And I ran some more... I continued running down the street, trying to remember where the trains are.

If only I paid more attention when Kai took me...

If only I hadn't been in my own little world.

If only I wasn't so retarded. Then this might be easy!

I ran before quickly stumbling and needing to stop. I looked down to my feet and cursed. I forgot my shoes! Who forgets to wear shoes!?

Me, obviously…

I looked down to my bare feet watching as things started to blur and my eyes get hot before quickly blinking.

No don't cry… You will, not, cry…

I couldn't go back now. I had to hurry to the train! I looked around looking for signs that would lead me to the train station. Seeing plenty of pictures of trains... Just, no train!

I was getting desperate and ran up to strangers to ask for help. "Excuse me. I'm trying to get to the train. Can you show me where it is?"

The man just looked to me. "Wha? You a foreigner or something?" I quickly shook my head no. "I'm just… Lost." The man looked to me for a long minute before shaking his head as if unsure and started walking away.

I watched him go before running up to the next person. "Excuse me."

"What? You lost? Well, you shouldn't be lost if you live here."

"Huh? Train? I don't take any trains. I walk wherever I need to go."

"Learn you way around town son. Let this be a lesion to you young people."

"Why would I want to help you? Who are you?"

"Train? Ehhh, I don't know… I don't live here."

WHAT WAS UP WITH THESE PEOPLE!? I thought Tokyo was full of nice people! At least that's what Kai says! But so far NO ONE is helping me! WHY I DON'T KNOW BUT THEY WONT HELP ME!!!

I was starting to panic now. It was getting later and later. I already knew I must have missed the train. But I had to continue to try… I couldn't stop. I had to get this present to Aoi before he gets there!

I continued to roam around town, trying hard to look at the signs with the picture of the trains and following the arrows. I soon found myself going in circles…. I stopped, looking to a sign long and hard before following it. I did it again. And again. And again… Ending up in the same place.

No I just wanted to scream! I wanted to throw Aoi's present and try to find my way back home! I wish I would come outside more often! Then I would know everything!

I tried to calm my breathing as my growing anger started to get to me. I then noticed a bunch of people come up from the ground down the street. It looked strange so I ran over to the other side seeing the giant entrance to the trains. I smiled widely quickly going down the stairs while hugging the golden gift to my chest.

Once I got down I looked around seeing, OH LOOK! It's the spinning doors! I quickly ran over to them shaking with excitement and quickly set the present down so I could grab onto the sides and run through. The people gave me angry glares as they weren't able to get through, but I didn't care.

I just watched them pass as I spun around, their angry glares turning into smudged streaks as I pass, again, again, again, and again. Faster and faster. Until it gets harder to hang on I laugh and giggle as it starts to slow down.

I feel my smile fade though as I watch the golden blur of Aoi's present get picked up by a big blob. Again, and again, and again. It's starting to move away now. Like those old picture shows where things move by slides…

I quickly jump off the side door then slow it down before dizzily running out and over to the guy walking away with the gift. "Hey!" I yelled grabbing for the present. "That's mine!"

The guy snatched it away frowning to me. "No, It's mine now. I found it."

I looked to him… The threeof him, with wide eyes as I tried reaching for the gift again. "Seriously, It's mine. I need it back!"

The guy just pushed me aside and started walking away. I stumbled still slightly dizzy from the door. Things getting back into focus. I was surprised at how far the guy was already. He was walking through one of the gates to get to the train. I frowned and ran as fast as I could. Squeezing through the gate before it closed on me.

The guy was rushing up to a train and stepping inside. I quickly ran after him. And before he could turn around. I jumped onto his back my arms wrapped around his neck. "GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT BACK!" I screamed into his ear.

The guy jerked forward, surprised and dropped the present to the ground. He flew forward hitting his head against the opposite wall before pushing off and standing up straight.

I looked down to the present on the ground watching as the guy kicked it by accident. Some people were quickly leaving the train while some stayed and took pictures with their cell phones. I ignored them while I quickly crawled off the guy and grabbed the present before standing up and squeezing through the doors as they started to close.

I didn't make it.

The doors closed on me making me drop the present onto the ground. I frowned trying to squeeze the rest of my body through the doors before I felt something grab me. I looked over my shoulder and saw the guy. His forehead was bleeding and he looked really angry.

"Let go!" I yelled and tried kicking him off but he just continued to grab me before making It up to my waist and trying to pull me back in. I growled looking back to the present out side the train then started pushing against the doors and kicking my legs. I could feel my stomach get crushed as I slid through making it hard to breath as the guy continued to grab my legs.

Then the train started to move…

I blinked watching as the gold gift started moving away from me… Or was it me moving away from it?

I panicked once again and started flailing around, kicking the guy in the face by accident letting me squeeze the rest of my body through. I rolled to the ground and landed on my back as I watched the train get faster, and faster before going through a tunnel and dissapering.

I staggered up to my feet, still feeling the doors on my body, crushing me as if I was still stuck making me shiver and hold my chest, that was still hurting. I looked around, seeing the people starring at me before spotting the golden gift and running towards it. I picked it up happy and looked up as another train pulled up.

I stepped inside happily taking a seat next to the window and watched as people started filing in. I noticed some looking to me, before going to the other side of the train. But I ignored them and clapped my hands as the train doors closed and it started to move.

I watched as the people in the tunnels started to move down and away as the train picked up speed before things went black as it shot through the tunnel. I smiled seeing the train slow down before stopping, letting people in and some out, before going again.

It did so for two stops before it finally came from underground and up on the side of the roads. I watched as the cars went by, minding their own business. The train stopped again and let people off, some coming on before going again.

It wasn't until a few stops later that I had no clue where I was going… Actually, non of the scenery looked familiar to me. I blinked seeing unfamiliar buildings pass by, unfamiliar people, unfamiliar streets… It was all…. Unfamiliar.

I bit my lip as I started to feel that bubble of panic rise up into my chest then started debating on weather I should, get off… or stay on the train. I was getting anxious, not knowing what to do.

The next stop I looked to the clock seeing it getting later and later, and still there was nothing I noticed about this place. I sat there biting my bottom lip, wishing for a cig at the moment as the train started going again. I watched the trees pass by then we went over a river and I knew I was far away. I was heading towards the outskirts of the city! I didn't want to do that…

The next stop I quickly jumped off the train, hugging the golden present to my chest. I started walking along with the crowd of people, trying my hardest not to get touched. I have always been like that…. I don't like it when other people touch me, unless it's Kai.

Too bad it's rare when he touches me…

I sniff and look left, then right, then left again feeling myself panicking once again. Cigs, I need my cigs…

I shakily started digging in my sweater and pulled out the box of cigs, quickly pulling one out then taking in a deep breath as I started looking for my lighter. I stuck the cig into my mouth then pulled the hot pink lighter from my pocket and lit up.

Blessed cigarettes…

When I felt myself getting back incontrol I looked around at where I was at. The name didn't ring any bells. I bit my lip running back to the train but had to stop since the doors where already closed and the train started going away.

That's fine…

I didn't want to go that way any way…

I looked over onto the otherside seeing another train, facing the way I wanted to go. I smiled running towards the gate and jumping over before running towards the train. This should be easy… Just jump on the train and go exactly the same way I came, then jump off at the stop that I know…

I smiled to myself thinking it was a great plan.

Until I felt my sweater hoody getting snapped back making my choke and drop my present to the ground. I stood there looking to the gift before trying to bend over and pick it up. My sweater was caught on something…

I turned around frowning before my eyes went slightly wide seeing the police officer grabbing onto my sweater….

He didn't look too happy.

"Do you know what you just did?" He asked me, forcing me around to look him in the face. Kai had always told me to be polite when talking with the police and always tell the truth…

Like I didn't know that already…

I took in a breath before shaking my head. "No sir… What did I do wrong?" The police man looked me up and down before setting his hands onto his waist. "You just jumped that gate without swiping your ticket." I blinked to him. "… Ticket sir?" The police nodded. "What? You thought the trains where free? Now pay up."

I blinked to him before nodding and digging into my pocket getting the money Uruha had given me. I pulled it out then handed it to the police who looked confused. "Don't give it to me… You must pay up at the receptionist now…" I nodded putting my money back into my pocket. "Where is the… Receptionist?"

The police motioned with his head to a desk surrounded by glass window. "In there. Tell her where you came from, and she will charge you with however much…" The police started walking away, holding onto his belt, his nose up in the air.

I watched him before imitating his stance and slowly picking up the gift. It was getting alittle dingy now… Hope Aoi doesn't mind…

I walked up to the desk and smiled to the lady.

She didn't smile back.

"You're the one who jumped over the fence!" I blinked at her stony tone and slowly nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to pay for a ticket…" She rolled her eyes before moving a few things around her desk, mumbling about excuses on not wanting to pay. She sighed before moving to her computer. "Where are you coming from?"

I smiled and told her making her nod her head before typing it in. She then turned around on her chair and leaned onto the desk. "That will be $10.59…"

I blinked to her and started digging into my pocket for the money Uruha gave me before counting it out. "… I only have $6.79…" I said still looking down to the money in my hand. The ladies eyes seemed to go to slits. "That sounds like a personal problem…"

I bit my lip and looked down to the money in my hand before slowly starting to put it back. I need some for buss, and for the train ride back home would be another $10.59… So I was pretty much screwed. I was riding the train too long… "I, I don't have that kind of money." I said biting my bottom lip.

She just glared up to me before slowly reaching her hand over to a little red button and pressing once. There was a buzz before she stood up and walked out the booth then pointed to me. "He's right here."

That's all she had to say. And before I knew it, hands were grabbing me from behind making me jump and drop the gift. I flailed and tried pulling away but the arms were too strong, and there were too many. "He doesn't have enough money… And, he wont be able to go back. So, he's riding the trains for free I'm guessing." The lady said crossing her arms over her chest. "Jumped the gates and tried to make a run for it."

"That's steeling." Someone said from behind me. "But, It's only about 2 dollars! You cant let it slide?!" The girl frowned. "It's only two dollars, but when you go back it will be 12!" I blinked and just shrugged. "So… You cant let it slide? Just this once? It's my first time riding the train by myself. I just want to give this present to Aoi!"

The lady shook her head then motioned with her hand to take me away. Her wish was granted and I was pulled, non too gently to a room in the back. They set me down at a table in a dim room. I looked around seeing the lights shake and almost dim out from the trains right by as they sped through.

I watched the police men in front of me talking amongst themselves before looking over to me. Some one sat down after what seemed like a very long time.

More time waisted….

"Tell me your name." I blinked. "Well, my name is Miyavi… But, I am not Miyavi… Miyavi is, well… I'm just not him…" The police man looked to me strange. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I sighed. "I mean… Miyavi is, a really cool singer guy. He can even play guitar! But me… I'm not cool, I'm retarded." I said gently lightly bending my head down.

The officer looked back to his friends before looking back down to me. "… You, really… Mental?" He asked carefully. I didn't care though. I was used to it….

I slowly shook my head, still looking down to the table.

There was a long pause of silence before the policeman sighed. "Ok… Is this really your first time riding the train by yourself?" I shook my head yes, still not making eye contact. He seemed to be thinking really hard before slowly pushing himself up from the table. "… Well, since it's your first time and all… We will let you call for someone to pick you up and they can pay…"

My eyes went wide. "NO! I cant call! If Kai finds out I had the present, and ruined Aoi's… THE PRESENT!" I quickly stood up almost knocking down my chair and bolted for the door. The policemen quickly ran after me, yelling for me to stop.

I ignored them.

I had to get the present to the recording building for Aoi's surprise party! I quickly ran back to the spot where the police had grabbed me feeling my heard sink into my stomach… The gift was gone.

It wasn't there…

The bright gold wasn't here…

Where was it?

Before I knew It my breathing was picking up and I was panicking again. I quickly brought my shaking hands up to my head and gripped my hair. Where was it? Where was it? Where was it?

I screwed up again!

Cant I do anything right?

Why must I be such a RETARD!?

WHY!?

WHY!?

Why me? What did I do? To deserve this?

I felt my face go hot and my eyes burned as things started to blur over.

No, don't cry… If you fucking cry that makes you both a fucking retard AND a baby!

Don't you start….

Don't you DARE!

I sniffed feeling my throat lock up, not even hearing the policemen rushing towards me. I couldn't hear when my mind was distracted by the bright shine of something gold.

Something square.

Something, small.

With a thin red and blue ribbon tied around and—THE PRESENT!

I felt myself squeal quickly running after the person who held my present. They walked through a gate, using a little card to get through.

I thought I could make it like the last time, but there was too many people in the way and my feet were starting to hurt form not wearing any shoes. I growled watching as the gates closed. I wasn't going to let that stop me…

I forced my legs to go faster, not caring if I knocked down any people in the way. I prepared myself for the big jump. I could do this… It will be easy.

I felt my legs strain, then push from the ground.

There was a scream.

A yelp.

Some tumbling.

Then the ground coming up really, really, really fast.

I landed onto the hard concrete ground, slightly sliding across the floor before bumping into a ladies big suit case. I laid there for a minute before slowly sitting up.

… That wasn't so bad…

I looked up over to the gates where the police were struggling to get passed people who were just standing there and starring at me in aww. "GET BACK HERE!" I slowly stood up, wincing when there was a pain in my leg, then looked back to the exit, seeing the person walking down the long hall then turn a corner getting out of my view.

"I need to get the gift back!" I yelled pointing towards the exit. The police continued to struggle to get through. "STAY! THERE!" I frowned. Did they not hear me? "I NEED TO GO!" I then started to slowly back away watching as the policemen continued to push through the crowd.

When they look up, I will be long gone.

* * *

This took a week to finish, so yeah, it sucks major ass… I just wanted to get it done.. I am quite depressed at the moment, but don't let that stop u from giving good comments, don't reply about my mood please, your comments are enough. I just thought I should tell u, it explains the crappyness in this chapter.

Thank u…


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